COJ
From Wittypedia
How many religions offer their followers eternal life? most of them.
How many require faith in the unprovable? erm, almost all of them actually.
Ok... so how many religions offer their followers a whistle activated key finder and quality logo'd T-shirt when they join? Only one that we know of!
Contents |
The Beginning
COJ (pronounced 'coj'), or the Cult of John to give it its full title, was started by a man called Steve when he discovered that the majority of religions were fundamentally flawed and seemed to bring war and devision rather than the free bread and wine that they claimed.
He decided to start his own religion based on the fact that he'd never met a John he didn't like and so COJ was born.
By the second day he'd worked out that this policy was somewhat restrictive and discouraged women with correctly gender-oriented names from joining up, so changed it to include everyone - although by this time he'd already paid for the logo, so the name stuck. This rebirth has since become known as the second beginning.
The Second Beginning
"Religion seems to cause most wars so I say let's all gang up on God. Go round his gaff and kneecap him - y'know, tell him to stop making trouble in our manor."
"I cherish all human life... but I'm not totally against mass-suicides if it benefits me financially"
"The world is blue and mainly covered in dead chickens"
These are all statements that were retracted as soon as the second beginning was announced, as well as the initial claim that the world was created by a dog called Derek.
They were replaced by more acceptable retoric about peace and love and all that kind of thing... and the dog was renamed Clive.
To cut down on confusion it was decided that a rule book must be written. But rather than write one and claim that it was the word of God - like so many profits had done before him - he instead decided to write a book and simply claim it was his own words, which was far less dramatic but slightly more believable. He called it the Bibble and it was a good book. At it's core were the four rules that all men must live by, which are;
- Exclusive to the Bibble! Available soon in paperback and limited edition hardback with elk-skin cover and free "my other religion allows free love" bookmark.
About COJ
The worlds first and, as far as we know, only completely online religion, and the first to have a slogan - "check box and click 'ok' to join cult" - COJ's public profile and popularity is somewhat limited by the fact that they currently have no dedicated website - their only claim to be an online religion seems to stem from the fact that Steve has broadband.
Designed for a modern world, COJ offers a rock solid philosophy for life with all the moral and social guidance we've come to expect from religion but a lot less of that God nonsense. One of the many benefits of COJ is that it allows you plenty of free time by requiring no effort on your part to attend services - in fact, within COJ the very act of not praising COJ is an act of praise and any act of praise is seen as not praising - such is the genius of this laid back religion.
The inner workings of COJ are very simple with a twelve tier heirarchal system calculated based on height, membership duration, weight when aged 13, social skills, party tricks, introductions to influential friends, attendance at karaoke nights and canasta skills. The bottom tier is known as standard membership and is then proceeded by a steady climb through 'paper', 'rock', 'spatula', 'jam' and 'paint' memberships until you reach the higher tiers of 'gold', 'platinum', 'uranium', 'bauxite', 'high priest' and eventually 'god'.
Principles of COJ
The founding principles of COJ - which have remained unaltered since the second-beginning are;
- God is a human concept and has no meaning beyond it's obvious use as an anagram of dog (which actually exist and, if Bibble be true, created the world). Therefor COJ reclaims this meaningless word and applies it as the title of their founding father, the very human, Steve - which, they admit, is slighlty confusing given that they say they don't believe in a God but by always writing it with a lowercase 'g' they hope to avoid any mix-ups.
- Members do not pray to anyone, instead recognising that shit happens and relying on their own abilities to solve problems. This extends to the decree that;
- Under no circumstances praise God at award ceremonies as it's highly unlikely that a diety, fictional or otherwise, would care about your music career whilst letting millions die unnecessarily every day (unless you sing really, really well) and it's even more unlikely that the COJ 'god', Steve, helped your career as he holds no sway in the industry since falling out with Quincey Jones in 1986.
It is however acceptable to thank COJ itself in your speech - as they badly need the publicity.
- Members may be required to have an image of 'the face of god' tattooed 1:1 scale over their own face - as all men were made in 'gods' image and where that went wrong tattooing solves the design flaws. This may not be needed, however, if they are already identical to him in every way... in which case they will probably be eliminated by a COJ death squad to avoid any chance of a coup.
How to Join & Benefits of Membership
To date, there is actually no official way of joining COJ and membership works in pretty much the same way as hiring the A-Team.
Amongst the many startling benefits are;
- Moral superiority to all as you will have the knowledge that yours is the one true religion.
- Members only offers - such as exclusive T-shirts, mugs, "...and then dog created the world" posters and novelty paperclips.
- 20% off the price of a COJ certified temple for your home or work place.*
- Signed photos of 'god' with handy instructions for your local tattooist.
- Access to the combined wisdom of all the ages - the Bibble - available in many formats from cheap paperback to diamond encrusted coffee-table sized tomes, written on paper woven by llamas and dipped in platinum - perfect for the understated rapper or 'hip-hop' star.
*official blessing sold seperately.
More Information
Still unsure why to join? Then check out the Bibble to enlighten your mind.
