Cats

From Wittypedia

The cat (or domestic cat, house cat) is a small carnivorous mammal and a subspecies of the wild cat... down the road who had a litter with the loose cat next door. The cat is a skilled predator and intelligent Go strategist, known to hunt over 1,000 species for food, but only like one flavour of "Whiskers". A cat is capable of being trained to interface with bionic body parts (or learning by itself) and to obey simple commands, like "fuck off cat" and manipulate simple mechanisms, such as some humans who like cats. It has lived in close association with humans for 3,500 to 9,500 years, making it and those humans very old indeed, figuring prominently in the mythology and legends of several cultures.

Legend Legends and myths about the cat exist in many cultures,
eg.Teacher "Wheres your homework Bob?"
Bob "The cat hasn't finished it yet".
from the ancient Egyptians and Chinese to the Vikings, they've all tried the cat excuse.

Physical features Cats also possess rather loose skin; this enables them to do awesome impressions of modern game show hosts and gives them a nice edge when it comes to shoplifting.

Falling Throw a cat from a window and and it will generally fall on its feet. Throw it really hard or tie a weight to its back and you will find that you can kill it eventually.

Sight Generally our interactions with cats are via our sight sense.
Brain registers cat, reflex impulses turn our body away from the cat and make us say, "mn, cat".
If brain registers cat too late, reflex impulse may be to kick or jump into the arms of an attractive sailor (non gender specific).

Hearing You can hear cats, though they are incredibly stealthy. Some people tie a bell to their cat so they and birds can hear it coming. It may be better to tie its legs to 4 switches each with their own noise and link it to a public announcement system. The cat can then entertain and warn of its whereabouts.

Touch No, don't touch. The cat itself has no sense of touch. it only knows it has touched something after the thing begins to bleed and say "damn that cat and its claws, why does it have to pull at my new anorak and leave little loops of thread that look like this is a cheap anorak and not a...?"

Smell Cats sense of smell is rivaled only by the dead as it is so poor; you could confuse a cat by dressing a skunk up as a cat and sending it to woo the cat (if you were Walt Disney).

Taste Apparently just like chicken. Which means that chicken, amongst other things, tastes of cat.

Hunting Good fun, best to offer the cat some kind of handicap and allow yourself the use of a sight. Laser sight is probably slightly unfair, though cats can see in the day as well as dark, so you'd be forgiven.

Scratching Cats, even with the best equipment, have no DJ skills.

Domestication The only cat you should attempt to keep in your home is Cat Deeley.

Environmental issues Cats care little for the environment. Ask them about American Football and you'll get a good conversation out of them.

Body Types Cats generally go for the fat and lazy types but will also associate with the elderly with no obvious prejudiced towards a particular physique.