The Bibble
From Wittypedia
In the beginning was a dog
and he was good
for his name was Clive
and not Derek as some had previously thought
and yay he did have worms
and his worms begat worms
which begat other creatures
who walked upon the earth
and got jobs and such
The book of John One, chapter one, verse one
These are the opening lines to the Bibble (also known as the book of COJ).
As well as an absolutely riveting read, it contains the usual messages of peace and morality, along with the four rules that all men must live by - rules that bring eternal happiness and prosperity (purchase the Bibble to find out more)
Written by the great prophet Steve it is a collection of allogorical stories, open to many forms of interpretation. Or, in Steves own words (in the preface to the Bibble) These writings are not meant literally and anyone who sees them in those terms should pick an orthodox religion at random as that's where they'll find like-minded people with which to hang.'
The Bibble is split into 22 sections, or books, all called John - apart from the book of Toby which is not called John and has a very different style, leading to the assumption that someone else wrote it. The following is an extract from the book of Toby;
Toby blinked nervously, the sweat dripped down him like salt water on skin as he held the nuclear detonator in his hands. He knew that if it touched the side of the housing it would spell the end of his distinguished, but all too short, career as a master spy and probably ruin the afternoon for the five thousand other people at the peanut convention - as they'd all be dead. Orimov looked on helplessly like a man in an emergency situation who was powerless to give aid as the counter continued it's agonising descent like a small clock that was slowly counting down to zero. A single white dove flew up from nowhere - like in a John Woo film or something. Somewhere, a clown farted.
This does seem to contrast somewhat with the other books - such as John Fifty Two, chapter 10, verse 4, which reads;
and verily Bob did call down a plague from heaven
and verily a plague did come
and all were in awe of God... or dying from the plague
and Bob did have a smug expression upon his face
but, alas, none did know Bob that well
for he had done thusly every day for ages
and for years no plague did come
so it was most likely all just a coincidence
Although most agree that these are vastly differing texts, it is generally accepted as canon and it is a widely held view that they are all divine writings - a claim which Steve rejects by saying "Don't be daft! I wrote 'em.".
Scientists have aged the original manuscripts at over 100,000 years old - making them the oldest known writings on the planet. Again, Steve rejects this, saying, "Don't be daft! I wrote 'em."
Breakaway religious sects have already started forming based on interpretations of the texts. Specifically the following passage which has caused over 30 splinter groups to form;
and he said unto them
"it's my goat and I don't want to hear anymore about it being a communal goat"
and they did cry in protest, so Larry did say some more
"look, I've even got the receipt! See!
It's not that I mind you all borrowing it but you could ask first!"
John Three, Chapter 45, verse 38b
Understandably this has lead to groups who believe Larry to be the main hero of the book and therefor follow him (the Larrites of COJ), whilst others see the goat as a metaphor and interpret the text as guidance to do away with possessions (the unencumbered of COJ), still others see the goat as a goat and rush out to buy a goat - believing that goats are great (the father, son and holy goat of COJ sect) and there are still over thirty more variations of this... mostly to do with goats.
